The Official Blog of La Mott Jackson » My Writings – My Attempts at actual blogging

My Top 10 New Years Resolution Goals for 2010 by La Mott Jackson

admin — Thu, 31 Dec 2009 20:06:50 +0000

#10 – To give Cancer Alzheimer’s. Hopefully it will drink Clorox on the rocks…from a shoe.

#9 – Expose Wendy Williams as the ugly, gangly, big footed man she really is; Arsenio Hall.

#8 – Remind Amy Winehouse that even with new titties a beaten horse is still a beaten horse.

#7 – Expose child beauty pageants for what they are; secret pedophile conventions.

#6 – Out a group of sleeper cells on Twitter, causing them to blow themselves up out of shame.

#5 – Find future TV speeches on Swine Flu, replace all instances of “H1N1″ with “H.N.I.C.”.

#4 – Be “That Guy” when a situation needs it. Fuck em if they can’t take a joke. It’s MY show.

#3 – Call out bullshit the moment it happens. Not to be malicious, just honest. Get over it.

#2 – Punch Kanye in his clavicle causing it to dislocate if he acts up just once. JUST ONCE!

#1 – Emerge from The Great Depression of 2010 alive, wealthy, better, stronger, faster!!

Things in life I should not have laughed at.

admin — Sat, 10 Oct 2009 17:35:25 +0000

My father once told me about an emotionally disturbed person that threw a large plastic grocery bag of feces at the windshield of the train he was driving for the M.T.A. years ago. I couldn’t help but think about not only how much work it took to make a bag taut with poop, but to bring that downstairs, walk the streets with it, paying the fare (ok, that’s a stretch) and waiting on the platform before launching it in to the drivers side window of the train.

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My friends girlfriend decided to break up with him. She went in to a 15 min tirade about how she hated how he dressed, looked, his occupation as an Electrician (from which he earns a lot of money much of it she loved spending), and how overall inept she felt he was. After she was done, he stood up, and calmly said

“You have a big cunt”

…and walked out.

I don’t think he meant big like a fresh I.V. bag, I think he meant roomy, like the backseat of a 2010 Escalade.

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Watching the news one night, I saw a report about eye health. They interviewed an Ophthalmologist that was cross-eyed. I laughed like Burt Reynolds circa 1979 the entire 44 seconds he was on screen. That’s as bad as a Dentist with Benny Hill’s teeth…NOW.

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When I was younger I saw a woman with severe cerebral palsy purchasing a box of condoms…come on, I was 14.

more to come…

At This Very Moment… – Vol 1

admin — Thu, 27 Aug 2009 01:56:28 +0000

As you’re reading this, visually see the moment happening in slow motion. Enjoy.

At this very moment…

The stupidest idea ever is being described to sighs and rolling eyes.

A word is being mispronounced and corrected mentally by the listener.

The ear of a cat half sleep downstairs sonars towards the bathroom upstairs as It’s owner does #2.

A child is crying over his birthday cake instead of blowing out the candles, much to the embarrassment of his far more masculine than he should be father.

An Oscar@ sits at home in the bathroom of It’s winner.

A horse is doing a curtsy and doesn’t know it.

One person is calling another an animal while eating Foie gras.

A young impressionable (and slightly retarded) boy witnesses a horse shitting in the woods, then proceeds to do the same.

Someone finally stop caring, and that’s a good thing.

A scar is being created with a story attached that will be modified many times over by the needy person who bears it.

Homeless Airlines – Something special in the air…and it ain’t fresh oxygen.

admin — Sun, 02 Aug 2009 15:25:32 +0000

Scott McGann a homeless man punked LaGuardia Airport yesterday by causing a bomb scare which resulted in the cancellation of hundreds of flights, for thousands of passengers. He had valid plane ticket purchased by a relative in hopes of getting him to California. This says alot about the current state of affairs in California, as not even the homeless want to be homeless in it.

Let’s hope this doesn’t start a trend. A zero homeless population sounds like a great idea at first but if that happens who’s gonna water the streets with that special organic blend of viscous feces and urine in front of tourist besides failed actors on weekend meth binges?. Sure, you can use those secretly rich, rebellious white kids with the dirty dreds (also known as the fake homeless), to fill the void but they wipe afterwards, so the authenticity is all gone.

We need the homeless sometime to remind us that crazy, like Hip Hop, is a culture. That giving free readings of the bible out loud in city parks while your swollen testicle pokes out of the hole in your pant leg (by the knee area that is), is a fact of life. Not everyone can pull off growing a beard big enough to house a cat, but dammit, they can, and we should salute them for at least giving homes to animals when we can’t, Sarah Mclachlan would be proud.

So please, don’t ship off your homeless, putting them on a plane is a disaster waiting to happen. Their collection of aluminum cans shopping carts, not to mention their eclectic wet wolf scented wardrobe would tie up check-in like you wouldn’t believe. There’d be no in-flight movie to speak of, as they’d try to hog all the attention with “their brand” of entertainment. Songs about Jesus (which should only apply if the plane is bracing for a crash landing), children shaping themselves in to wheels “rolling” down the aisle, or selling stale M&M’s, stray cats on leashes…(that’s all it is people) or magic shows with dead rabbits would begin way before we reach 30,000 feet. A near endless marathon of panhandlers, walking up & down the aisle, wooden colored hand out, asking for change. I often hold my breath on the train when I see them enter till they pass me by, how the hell am I going to do that on a 3+ hour flight to Oakland?!.

Virtual Insanity

admin — Tue, 07 Jul 2009 16:51:12 +0000

I got a Facebook invite to Michael Jackson’s memorial. Is this a joke?. How’s that gonna work?, do I “show up” where I usually would on Facebook, in front of my PC wearing boxers and sipping Kool-aid?. But this is supposed to be a special occasion right, so perhaps I should at least put on socks.

A “virtual” memorial. Isn’t anyone ok with just not being there?. I get that many people applied for tickets to the biggest event of MJ’s death just to say “I was there”, but when does wanting to be part of an event for no other reason than to say you were there stop?. I remember after 9.11 I often heard people say “I was there that day”, really?, did you at least bring me back a T-shirt?, or a piece of someone’s clavicle, ya selfish bastard?.

What do you bring to a virtual memorial of this size?. Virtual beer, cake, bags of ice?. Where do I place the shit when I arrive, and where do I take a virtual piss at so I can look in their virtual medicine cabinet and NOT find the Irritable bowel syndrome medication that exist in their reality?. I’m sure the host will be virtually hot, because if this was a real gathering the attendance would drop significantly if anyone knew that Gilbert Grapes Mom was in charge of this.

The 50 random things you don’t know about me.

admin — Sun, 05 Jul 2009 15:58:38 +0000

Part I

1. I not only feel that I’m the lead in this thing called life, but it should be titled “The Voice of Reason”.
2. I’ve never done drugs in life because I’m paranoid about losing control of my surroundings.
3. I love pornography, but I’m more turned on by tasteful nudes.
4. I lied to Seann William Scott in a hotel lobby by telling him he was fantastic in “Bulletproof Monk”
5. In 1988, during my first foray in standup; I appeared on an episode of Lifetime’s “What’s up Doctor Ruth?” with Comedian Doug E. Doug and Robert Klein.
6. When I was 15 years old, a butcher of the supermarket I was working in afterschool threatened to fuck me in my ass outta anger because he got bitched at by the boss. The issue had nothing to do with me. The following month this butcher was later arrested for raping both his wife & sister-in-law.
7. At age 13, to stop a male “family friend” from molesting me, I grabbed & squeezed his testicles till he threw up & passed out. Oddly, I almost passed out at age 27 from laughing so hard telling co-workers about that very incident. Despite that, I’m not homophobic.
8. I’ve never hated someone because of their race. An ignorant, asshole comes in all shades. There’s not a single race on this planet that can claim to be free of that behavior.
9. I love film so much that I’ve teared up at the how well some movies (and/or scenes in them) were executed.
10. The highest salary I’ve made in a year is $67,449.
11. The two periods in my life that I’ve done stand up comedy (1987 – 1988 & 2001 – 2002) were by far the most fun I’ve had in my life. Hopefully they’ll be a third period which will last a lifetime.
12. When Colin Quinn described what “Comedic Integrity” was on the last episode of Tough Crowd I almost cried while in the audience. As at that point I realized I’d been living by that rule for most of my life and didn’t know it had a title.
13. With the exception of entertainment, I hate characters in real life. Meaning, I don’t like people who aren’t themselves, I.E. the emos, divas, socially inept persons, attention whores etc. More than them I hate the enablers that allow that behavior to exist.
14. I majored in Animal Science in high school but was unable to pursue it further after I graduated because I couldn’t afford to go to Cornell University.
15. I have 6 titanium pins in my body. Three in each hip because I fell on a shopping cart when I was 14 years old. I’m kinda bionic like that.
16. In 2003, I faked an earache while on a business trip in Puerto Rico so that I could stay an extra day on the company dime. I slept great that night.
17. I’ve always hated the term “keeping it real” and believe it has set African Americans who believe in that ghetto “philosophy” back at least 20 years.
18. The first white woman I had sex with was a 32 year old elementary school teacher from Nutley, New Jersey. This was during a vacation I was on in the Bahamas, I was 16.
19. In the mid to late 80’s my childhood friend and I had a fascination with guns. But more so the detailing of them, manufactures, the stopping power of certain ones, various calibers, marksmanship, the history of weapons in general, etc. We were so much in to the technical aspect of it, that the thuggish mentality of maiming or killing people never crossed our minds. It was a very innocent and harmless phase.
20. My first best friend in elementary school taught me about laughter and comedy. Sadly, he was killed years later at the age of 14 when he attempted to run across the L.I.E. in a drunken state.
21. Years ago I bailed on a blind date because the woman’s breath smelled like Hogwash.
22. I blame my love for video games back in the 80’s for making my social life at that time non-existent.
23. When I was a kid I wanted to be a Stuntman when I grew up.
24. Rapper MC Lyte dissed me when I asked for her autograph at a yearly lesbian party she used to throw back in the early 90’s.
25. In the early 90’s a friend asked if I wanted to come with him to fuck someone up. I knew this was an odd request as that wasn’t my thing (going around fucking people up). I respectfully declined and he left in his cherry red Trans am. About 45 min later he came back, windshield shattered (the result of a trash can being thrown on it), driver side window broken, both taillights destroyed, he had multiple stab wounds on his stomach, arm, and a slashed chin topped off with a Flintstone knot on his head. Needless to say those guys were far more skilled in the art of “fucking people up” than he was.

Part II

1. In 1985; a neighborhood bully that had become the bane of my existence and I got in to a fight at the local pizza shop. In a blind rage I proceeded to pound his head in to the pavement repeatedly to the point that he had a mini seizure. Even though I was crying (which was all from anger as I didn’t have a mark on me) I was victorious. The dark fact is that I felt so good afterwards. The fight also put the kibosh on him bullying me ever again. I also learned from that incident that at times, (despite how humane we’d like to think we are) fighting IS the answer.
2. A good way to lose major intelligence points with me is to wear anything having to do with “Scarface” (aka Tony Montana garb). A surefire way to make me have nothing to do with you at all is to tell me you somehow “relate” to Tony’s plight and live by the words “The World Is Yours”. I loved the film, feel it’s by far one of Al’s best roles. But IT IS NOT A WAY OF LIFE FOR PEOPLE OF THE GHETTO!.
3. I’ve always believed respect is earned, not given. I don’t care how much money you earn, how famous you are, or how hot you think you are.
4. Although I did love my oldest brother who was killed in 1994. His death was more of a blessing in a very roundabout way.
5. To this day emotionally disturbed people scare me.
6. Despite a good number of my friends thinking I have a fascination with white women it should be noted I’ve only been with 4 in my lifetime. I have a fascination with women, period (Not women’s periods).
7. (Singing falsetto like Conan O’ Brien) In the year 2000!, I won an all expense paid trip to Super Bowl XXXIV in Atlanta, GA. I took my mom. She’s not in to Football but had the time of her life.
8. In 1984 I fell in love with Miami, Florida after watching the premiere episode of “Miami Vice”. It’s my goal in life to own a condo overlooking the Atlantic Ocean there one day.
9. My Grandfather’s last words to me were “Do you. Take care of your business FIRST, THEN help others, no matter how much you’re pressed to do otherwise”. I’ll forever love him for that advice.
10. I’m fascinated with prison documentaries.
11. I met and got the signatures of both Tupac Shakur and Samuel L. Jackson on a PDA I had (this was pre-blackberry age), but lost both of them when it accidently fell in the toilet.
12. I’ve been the victim of extremely racist comments and/or behavior by white adults. The fact that I don’t hate whites as a whole is a testament to my ability to understand that not everyone is a cowardly bigoted asshole.
13. I passed the NYPD exam with a 98.8 but couldn’t go any further with the application process because I’m basically blind in my right eye.
14. When I was 12, my female cousin was too busy getting fingered at a “friend’s” place to come downstairs and let me inside so I could use the bathroom. I shitted on myself. Thanks a lot Shelly you fucking crackhead.
15. I was giddy like a little girl when I saw Eddie Murphy and he gave me thumbs up while he was filming “Coming To America”.
16. I absolutely HATE religious hypocrites almost as much as I hate racist. I also hate people who made a mess of their lives, got saved, and now feel they’ve GOT to tell me how to live.
17. If I wake up past 8am that’s considered late and I feel shitty and unproductive for most of the day.
18. Since I was 24 I’ve had it all meticulously mapped out mentally what I would do if I won the Mega Millions or Lotto Jackpot.
19. I’m equipped with High Definition Gaydar. Version 37.2. And I’ve acquired this without any episodes of Fudgepackery, or “Deep Throaticus”.
20. I love children, but don’t want any because I’m not financially capable of taking care of one. Also I’m selfish and enjoy my freedom.
21. I’m not a pessimist, I’m a realist.
22. With the exception of of Chips restaurant in Orange, Connecticut, I make the best pancakes, hands down.
23. I got shitted on twice by the same New York Pigeon and stepped in dogshit within the same hour and good luck did not come my fucking way.
24. I’m glad I was far from the World Trade Center during 9.11 (I was working in Yonkers, NY). I’m sure if I was close by I would have went down there to help, hence I might not be here today because of that.
25. I truly love the “25 random things you don’t know about me” because it forces you to really look inside of yourself & write something unique.
This is all for me though. No mas.