The Official Blog of La Mott Jackson

#10 – To give Cancer Alzheimer’s. Hopefully it will drink Clorox on the rocks…from a shoe.

L

My father once told me about an emotionally disturbed person that threw a large plastic grocery bag of feces at the windshield of the train he was driving for the M.T.A. years ago. I couldn’t help but think about not only how much work it took to make a bag taut with poop, but to bring that downstairs, walk the streets with it, paying the fare (ok, that’s a stretch) and waiting on the platform before launching it in to the drivers side window of the train.

L

As you’re reading this, visually see the moment happening in slow motion. Enjoy.

At this very moment…

L

Scott McGann a homeless man punked LaGuardia Airport yesterday by causing a bomb scare which resulted in the cancellation of hundreds of flights, for thousands of passengers. He had valid plane ticket purchased by a relative in hopes of getting him to California. This says alot about the current state of affairs in California, as not even the homeless want to be homeless in it.

L

I was watching TV when a “Fresh Step” commercial came on. It showed a cat that put an ad out for dogs (specifically bloodhounds) to come to the cats home & sniff out it’s litterbox. The point of the ad is that Fresh Step works so well the cat won’t know where it last took a shit.

I thought cats were the smart ones, why is it hiring another animal to search for last place it left it’s cigar in?. I don’t think the problem is masking the foul smell of catshit, which is strong enough to stop decomposition. I think it’s the panic that sets in when one has to go but can’t, and is unwilling to commit to primal evacuation. Thankfully not everyone can be G.G. Allin nor smell as bad.

The weird thing is the cat placed ads. Did he do this while turtle-ling?. It had to hurt, we know how hard it is to put a key in a lock while our colon is shaking like Shaggy’s teeth after he’s seen a ghost. This feline is not only writing, printing, and posting ads, he’s ALSO WAITING FOR RESPONSES!. Let’s say the dog does find the litterbox how’s the cat gonna pay the him?, lick his balls clean?.

How weird is that?. If someone hired you to come to their home to find their bathroom because they forgot where it was you’d have a cartoon thought bubble above your head with a “screw+ball” in it. Your best bet isn’t to ask me, cause if you’re crazy enough to do so I’ll bullshit around just to watch you get bloated. I don’t smoke weed, but I can’t imagine not doing that as you’re kneeling on one knee  in pain like you just arrived from the future, screaming at me to “Please Find My Bathroom Already, What Are You Waiting For?!”.

that is all

L

For the Commerical in question click here

I got a Facebook invite to Michael Jackson’s memorial. Is this a joke?. How’s that gonna work?, do I “show up” where I usually would on Facebook, in front of my PC wearing boxers and sipping Kool-aid?. But this is supposed to be a special occasion right, so perhaps I should at least put on socks.

A “virtual” memorial. Isn’t anyone ok with just not being there?. I get that many people applied for tickets to the biggest event of MJ’s death just to say “I was there”, but when does wanting to be part of an event for no other reason than to say you were there stop?. I remember after 9.11 I often heard people say “I was there that day”, really?, did you at least bring me back a T-shirt?, or a piece of someone’s clavicle, ya selfish bastard?.

What do you bring to a virtual memorial of this size?. Virtual beer, cake, bags of ice?. Where do I place the shit when I arrive, and where do I take a virtual piss at so I can look in their virtual medicine cabinet and NOT find the Irritable bowel syndrome medication that exist in their reality?. I’m sure the host will be virtually hot, because if this was a real gathering the attendance would drop significantly if anyone knew that Gilbert Grapes Mom was in charge of this.

A new show on the Oxygen channel titled “Dance your ass off”. Pits full figured contestants against each other to lose weight by dancing which causes false positives on Richter scales in China, not to mention breaking as many crystal figurines in old age homes as possible. The flop, ass, and titty sweat alone will result in a spin off show to air on BET titled “Swim Your Ass Off” in which 8 black contestants compete to out swim the impending swass tsunami wearing nothing but Cheese Tims, oversized full length Mitchell & Ness Jerseys and fat gold chains.
The title “Dance your ass off” has sparked a controversy of sorts when advertised elsewhere as it’s often edited. Now I’d like to present to you upcoming reality show titles and they’re synopsis that are breaking ground with their vulgar titles.

“The P*ssy & The Pumpkin”
To air on the CW.
8 number 4’s on a Tuesday compete to win the love of a pizza faced, anti-social ass whos gained fame by becoming the first ever “Second Life” terrorist. Various challenges will take place, one which is titled “Rate my face, not my log” in which the girls take only overhead shots of themselves inside of various port-a-pottys. The loser gets their box tipped over and sent home looking like the brown swamp thing with an official limited edition “Fail” t-shirt from Urban Outfitters.

“Marry, *uck, or Kill: The Ponzi Edition”
Mid-season replacement on CNBC.
Hosted by Bernie Madoff and filmed from the Oswald state penitentiary, “Marry, *uck, or Kill” is a game show in which 6 new fish battle it out to win the most amount of cigarettes while avoiding the inevitable fate of the title. Afterwards the winner can invest his cigs in an investment scheme which might win him a conjugal visit behind cell #1, a glory hole with a question mark on it or cell #2 a handjob from a trannie with eczema on his hands.

“I’m just *uckin wit ya”
Summer series on to air on MTV
Hosted by Nick Cannon, “I.J.*.W.Y” is a prank game show in which 6 hypochondriacs are put in situations in hopes of invoking what they believe to be the worst case scenario. Will one believe they have a cold, or Swine Flu in HD after smelling what he thinks is a chemical spill, which in fact turns out to be Ralphie May in the next room running on a treadmill?. Will another be convinced that the end of the world is near after being told Richard Simmons was found dead inside the body of Michael Jackson during an autopsy?. Each test hopes to bring each player to the brink of comical insanity before being told (crowd in unison) “I’M JUST *UCKIN WIT YA!”

Part I

1. I not only feel that I’m the lead in this thing called life, but it should be titled “The Voice of Reason”.
2. I’ve never done drugs in life because I’m paranoid about losing control of my surroundings.
3. I love pornography, but I’m more turned on by tasteful nudes.
4. I lied to Seann William Scott in a hotel lobby by telling him he was fantastic in “Bulletproof Monk”
5. In 1988, during my first foray in standup; I appeared on an episode of Lifetime’s “What’s up Doctor Ruth?” with Comedian Doug E. Doug and Robert Klein.
6. When I was 15 years old, a butcher of the supermarket I was working in afterschool threatened to fuck me in my ass outta anger because he got bitched at by the boss. The issue had nothing to do with me. The following month this butcher was later arrested for raping both his wife & sister-in-law.
7. At age 13, to stop a male “family friend” from molesting me, I grabbed & squeezed his testicles till he threw up & passed out. Oddly, I almost passed out at age 27 from laughing so hard telling co-workers about that very incident. Despite that, I’m not homophobic.
8. I’ve never hated someone because of their race. An ignorant, asshole comes in all shades. There’s not a single race on this planet that can claim to be free of that behavior.
9. I love film so much that I’ve teared up at the how well some movies (and/or scenes in them) were executed.
10. The highest salary I’ve made in a year is $67,449.
11. The two periods in my life that I’ve done stand up comedy (1987 – 1988 & 2001 – 2002) were by far the most fun I’ve had in my life. Hopefully they’ll be a third period which will last a lifetime.
12. When Colin Quinn described what “Comedic Integrity” was on the last episode of Tough Crowd I almost cried while in the audience. As at that point I realized I’d been living by that rule for most of my life and didn’t know it had a title.
13. With the exception of entertainment, I hate characters in real life. Meaning, I don’t like people who aren’t themselves, I.E. the emos, divas, socially inept persons, attention whores etc. More than them I hate the enablers that allow that behavior to exist.
14. I majored in Animal Science in high school but was unable to pursue it further after I graduated because I couldn’t afford to go to Cornell University.
15. I have 6 titanium pins in my body. Three in each hip because I fell on a shopping cart when I was 14 years old. I’m kinda bionic like that.
16. In 2003, I faked an earache while on a business trip in Puerto Rico so that I could stay an extra day on the company dime. I slept great that night.
17. I’ve always hated the term “keeping it real” and believe it has set African Americans who believe in that ghetto “philosophy” back at least 20 years.
18. The first white woman I had sex with was a 32 year old elementary school teacher from Nutley, New Jersey. This was during a vacation I was on in the Bahamas, I was 16.
19. In the mid to late 80’s my childhood friend and I had a fascination with guns. But more so the detailing of them, manufactures, the stopping power of certain ones, various calibers, marksmanship, the history of weapons in general, etc. We were so much in to the technical aspect of it, that the thuggish mentality of maiming or killing people never crossed our minds. It was a very innocent and harmless phase.
20. My first best friend in elementary school taught me about laughter and comedy. Sadly, he was killed years later at the age of 14 when he attempted to run across the L.I.E. in a drunken state.
21. Years ago I bailed on a blind date because the woman’s breath smelled like Hogwash.
22. I blame my love for video games back in the 80’s for making my social life at that time non-existent.
23. When I was a kid I wanted to be a Stuntman when I grew up.
24. Rapper MC Lyte dissed me when I asked for her autograph at a yearly lesbian party she used to throw back in the early 90’s.
25. In the early 90’s a friend asked if I wanted to come with him to fuck someone up. I knew this was an odd request as that wasn’t my thing (going around fucking people up). I respectfully declined and he left in his cherry red Trans am. About 45 min later he came back, windshield shattered (the result of a trash can being thrown on it), driver side window broken, both taillights destroyed, he had multiple stab wounds on his stomach, arm, and a slashed chin topped off with a Flintstone knot on his head. Needless to say those guys were far more skilled in the art of “fucking people up” than he was.

Part II

1. In 1985; a neighborhood bully that had become the bane of my existence and I got in to a fight at the local pizza shop. In a blind rage I proceeded to pound his head in to the pavement repeatedly to the point that he had a mini seizure. Even though I was crying (which was all from anger as I didn’t have a mark on me) I was victorious. The dark fact is that I felt so good afterwards. The fight also put the kibosh on him bullying me ever again. I also learned from that incident that at times, (despite how humane we’d like to think we are) fighting IS the answer.
2. A good way to lose major intelligence points with me is to wear anything having to do with “Scarface” (aka Tony Montana garb). A surefire way to make me have nothing to do with you at all is to tell me you somehow “relate” to Tony’s plight and live by the words “The World Is Yours”. I loved the film, feel it’s by far one of Al’s best roles. But IT IS NOT A WAY OF LIFE FOR PEOPLE OF THE GHETTO!.
3. I’ve always believed respect is earned, not given. I don’t care how much money you earn, how famous you are, or how hot you think you are.
4. Although I did love my oldest brother who was killed in 1994. His death was more of a blessing in a very roundabout way.
5. To this day emotionally disturbed people scare me.
6. Despite a good number of my friends thinking I have a fascination with white women it should be noted I’ve only been with 4 in my lifetime. I have a fascination with women, period (Not women’s periods).
7. (Singing falsetto like Conan O’ Brien) In the year 2000!, I won an all expense paid trip to Super Bowl XXXIV in Atlanta, GA. I took my mom. She’s not in to Football but had the time of her life.
8. In 1984 I fell in love with Miami, Florida after watching the premiere episode of “Miami Vice”. It’s my goal in life to own a condo overlooking the Atlantic Ocean there one day.
9. My Grandfather’s last words to me were “Do you. Take care of your business FIRST, THEN help others, no matter how much you’re pressed to do otherwise”. I’ll forever love him for that advice.
10. I’m fascinated with prison documentaries.
11. I met and got the signatures of both Tupac Shakur and Samuel L. Jackson on a PDA I had (this was pre-blackberry age), but lost both of them when it accidently fell in the toilet.
12. I’ve been the victim of extremely racist comments and/or behavior by white adults. The fact that I don’t hate whites as a whole is a testament to my ability to understand that not everyone is a cowardly bigoted asshole.
13. I passed the NYPD exam with a 98.8 but couldn’t go any further with the application process because I’m basically blind in my right eye.
14. When I was 12, my female cousin was too busy getting fingered at a “friend’s” place to come downstairs and let me inside so I could use the bathroom. I shitted on myself. Thanks a lot Shelly you fucking crackhead.
15. I was giddy like a little girl when I saw Eddie Murphy and he gave me thumbs up while he was filming “Coming To America”.
16. I absolutely HATE religious hypocrites almost as much as I hate racist. I also hate people who made a mess of their lives, got saved, and now feel they’ve GOT to tell me how to live.
17. If I wake up past 8am that’s considered late and I feel shitty and unproductive for most of the day.
18. Since I was 24 I’ve had it all meticulously mapped out mentally what I would do if I won the Mega Millions or Lotto Jackpot.
19. I’m equipped with High Definition Gaydar. Version 37.2. And I’ve acquired this without any episodes of Fudgepackery, or “Deep Throaticus”.
20. I love children, but don’t want any because I’m not financially capable of taking care of one. Also I’m selfish and enjoy my freedom.
21. I’m not a pessimist, I’m a realist.
22. With the exception of of Chips restaurant in Orange, Connecticut, I make the best pancakes, hands down.
23. I got shitted on twice by the same New York Pigeon and stepped in dogshit within the same hour and good luck did not come my fucking way.
24. I’m glad I was far from the World Trade Center during 9.11 (I was working in Yonkers, NY). I’m sure if I was close by I would have went down there to help, hence I might not be here today because of that.
25. I truly love the “25 random things you don’t know about me” because it forces you to really look inside of yourself & write something unique.
This is all for me though. No mas.